Do you believe alot of marriages fail because people stop working on themselves?

Once married, alot of people settle into who they are and their spouse should just ';deal with it';. Life is about change, about growing and about compromise with your spouse. I feel alot of people end in divorce because they are not seeing their own failures in taking care of themselves and working on themself. Things such as, not working on your own addictions (alcohol, porn, internet, etc.), not working to communicate effectively, not working to make sound financial decisions. These all take willpower from oneself, not willpower for the sake of your spouse... you are the only person in control of your own decisions and when those decisions are no longer being made from a source with the willpower to grow and do better then they are choices made to contribute to the destruction of your marriage.





Just because you are married, does not mean your whole life is devoted only to love unconditionally... you can do that and still take care of yourself, in fact I think thats the most healthy way to be in a relationship. Its too difficult to be a relationship with someone that does not know how to confront problems, or communicate or anything. No matter who you are with... if you are not with someone that knows they have to figure out how to do that on their own without your constant pressure to make them learn then I believe marriages begin to fall apart.





what do you think?Do you believe alot of marriages fail because people stop working on themselves?
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The #1 cause is lack of maturity at the time they got married and/or began living together. Over 85% of failures involve couples who got together prior to when the woman turn 24.





This is the point when a woman reaches full maturity and her whole view of the world changes, including the one in bed with her. Males reach this at age 30.





This creates a major glitch in any relationship.





Marriage and Divorce: Latest Stats Available


Here's a sampling of some of the most recently available statistics on marriage and divorce in the United States of America:


There were approximately 2,230,000 marriages in 2005 -- down from 2,279,000 the previous year, despite a total population increase of 2.9 million over the same period.


The divorce rate in 2005 (per 1,000 people) was 3.6 -- the lowest rate since 1970, and down from 4.2 in 2000 and from 4.7 in 1990. (The peak was at 5.3 in 1981, according to the Associated Press.)


The marriage rate in 2005 (per 1,000) was 7.5, down from 7.8 the previous year.


In 2004, the state with the highest reported divorce rate was Nevada, at 6.4 (per 1,000). Arkansas was a close second, with a divorce rate of 6.3, followed by Wyoming at 5.3. The District of Columbia had the lowest reported divorce rate, at 1.7, followed by Massachusetts at 2.2 and Pennsylvania at 2.5. (Figures were not complete for California, Georgia, Hawaii, Indiana, Louisiana, or Oklahoma.)


8.1% of coupled households consist of unmarried heterosexual partners, according to The State of Our Unions 2005, a report issued by the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University. The same study said that only 63% of American children grow up with both biological parents -- the lowest figure in the Western world.


As of 2003, 43.7% of custodial mothers and 56.2% of custodial fathers were either separated or divorced. And in 2002, 7.8 million Americans paid about $40 billion in child and/or spousal support (84% of the payers were male).


Americans tend to get married more between June and October than during the rest of the year. In 2005, August had the most marriages at about 235,000 or a rate of 9.3 per 1,000 people. The previous year, July was the highest month at 246,000, or a rate of 9.9; this doubled the lowest month in 2004, January.





http://www.divorcemag.com/statistics/sta鈥?/a>Do you believe alot of marriages fail because people stop working on themselves?
Yes, I second all your recommendations. I particularly endorse the idea of communicating effectively, making sound financial decisions and compromising. This needs to be blasted from all the rooftops in the U.S. Yes, because of Hollywood, the outlandish soaps on TV, the easy credit - which is of course disappearing right now - we live in a dream world.





I appreciate your insight. Check out my source for more info on my thinking.
Marriage is a partnership, 50-50, otherwise the formula doesn't work, also, if love, respect and honesty are no longer on your priority list, then there's no marriage. You have to work at it like everything else, otherwise it just goes down the drain and you start blaming people instead of acknowledging on what you did wrong.
i think marriages fall apart because 1 partner or the other or both become complacent. they stop being the person the other fell in love with. a marriage is a 24/7 work in progress. and yes you have to keep working on ourselves as well to be the best you can be for the other
I agree to an extent, but you are saying that there ARE conditions to love. You are saying that if things get bad, then you're out. not for better for worse? My husband had an affair and we got counseling. I do of course have one ';condition'; that I will leave and that of course is if he does it again. but other than that I will love him unconditionally.
Yes, I agree with you. Most people do Not want to look at them selves and would rather blame their spouse.





I actually came to the realization recently that I need to look at me.


What am I doing to create problems here? How can I improve myself and therefore the relationship.





You are right on!
Amen to that. I agree 100%. When one partner just sord of stagnates and behaves like a child there is no way for the marriage to go but downhill.
Agreed! And very well said. These are some of the major issues in the demise of many marriages. It takes maturity to have a relationship.
marriages fail, because hearts fail. end of story.
I fidn this comical since oy usaid you filed for divorce yesterday. but yes i agree you need to have your own life and take care of yourself.
Yes it is just to easy to walk away than work at it.
yes you are right about alot of it unless you try an help ya spouse keep it up an keep healthy and work with each other
That says a lot. I never really thought of it like that. Good advice.
yes you are right
I totally agree. If I can't face my own personal challenges, how ever would I face marital challenges? Self awareness on the part of each person requires maturity and self discipline. Marriage requires that we are mature enough to focus on our partner, and our healthy sense of connection with each other. Mutual goals and family values and a long list of other things get thrown into the mix. If I don't respect myself, how can I respect my wife? Or kids and grand kids? There is much to be said about ones ability to learn, grow and apply theories.





I've been following some of your Q %26amp; A's and I totally support your decisions.





You are a human being worthy of respect and dignity and I admire your courage.
Honestly I think marriages fail for a few reasons





Kids - I think mother's tend to pour more effort into their kids than themselves or spouses. Basically just losing themselves, like they stop being a woman and are just a mother.





Money - self explanatory





Entitlement - I think when things get hard people don't place blame properly. It's his fault I don't love him, it's her fault I don't respect her. They automatically look for someone who will be easier, waiting for things to just click into place, when sadly that doesn't happen.
I believe you are wise beyond your years dear...marriage IS a lifelong committment, to be/do our best? We need a strong foundation of love, security within ourselves before we ask it of another, autonomy and the ability to flex, compromise and realize, we're a work in progress.


I realize I'm much older than you, and it warms my heart to see that YOU GET IT, since unfortunately, I don't see a lot of signs on this board, that young women do get it.





Kudos for you hitting the ';nail(s) on the head'; - it does take two - two to love, to want, to be responsible. Once you are married, you work at it forever IF, love is on your side...IF, you have half a brain in your head to get all this.





You go girl...I'd be proud to have you as a daughter!





Most Sincerely,





Grace
One of the things I tell divorcing people here is not to get into another relationship until they have identified their own roles in the failures of their marriages, and have learned the lessons their failures have to teach them. Invariably, this gets many thumbs down. People would prefer to say they got divorced because ';She's a psycho,'; or ';He cheated on me.'; OK, but even if those things are true, if you are thinking of yourself as completely blameless, I'm suspicious of that.