Enough is enough...I don't think I can take it anymore...I am drained.?

I serious think my marriage of 4 years is nearing the end. I no longer feel connected to my spouse. Our lines of communication are decaying and we can't ever seem to talk to one another without it turning into an argument. Neither one of us is innocent. A marriage can't fail due to the actions of one spouse. I have been withdrawing from my spouse for the past year and can't seem to find the spark that brought us together. I am having a difficult time remembering the good times, since we have lately been having more bad times. Old unresolved arguments have left us both full of resentment toward one another. I have suggested for years that we talk to a counselor to learn how to communicate to one another, but my spouse always advised against it. However, last month, she suggested that we seriously work on our marriage and start putting it first. We both are active duty military with a child. Needless to say, we are often very busy. We have neglected to find time with one another...and I am predominantly the one to blame. But I must say that I started to withdraw because my wife and I never could really establish a true sexual intimacy together. I talked to my wife on several occasions to try to increase our sexual intimacy, but she would always get upset. I would also become upset. I was not happy with always being the initiator of sexual intimacy between us. My wife would show very little interest in having sex. I recently read an article below regarding the hazards or a sexless marriage:





Withholding sex is about control. It's a passive/aggressive way of expressing anger. Someone who withholds sex will imply by their actions that they have a lot to give. They are, by all outward indication sincere in their love for their spouse. They hook you in with sincerity and then they cut you off.





They feel in control if they have the upper hand sexually. You are put in the position of being the one who initiates sex. Your spouse doesn't have to do anything in the relationship except show up. All the work needed to develop and maintain a sexual bond is up to you. They don't have to take responsibility for any problems in the marriage, and if the marriage ends they can point a finger at you for being the problem.





Sexual rejection, especially by someone who vowed to ';love, honor and cleave unto'; you is devastating. It leaves you feeling unattractive and undesirable. You may internalize her rejection and blame yourself by thinking you are not attractive enough; sexy enough, thin enough, smart enough. Her actions will give root to unhealthy beliefs about yourself and your value as a person. There is the danger of depression, loss of hope, you may feel old before your time and there is certainly a sense of shame. Shame over the fact that your own spouse does not desire you. This shame keeps you from sharing your problems with someone else. You find yourself with no support system and the growing belief that there is something terribly wrong with you.





The lack of sexual intimacy between my wife and I caused me to become resentful. I started to withdraw from her emotionally and physically. I started to become focused on not providing her with the things that she desired as well. Such as cuddling, holding hands, etc. Over time, this behavior did not help the relationship. Like I mentioned before, neither one of us focused on putting the marriage first. However, we did and still do kind and considerate things for one another. I recently bought my wife a car that she always wanted, despite it being to small for our family. (Volkswagen Beetle) In addition, prior to the Beetle, we compromised and got a Chrysler PT Cruiser...the compromise was because she wanted a Beetle, but the baby was on the way, and there was no way we were going to be able to function comfortably with a beetle as our only vehicle. So we own two very gay cars..lol. And I take crap from my fellow soldiers everyday for driving them. HAHA. Anyways, she takes great care of me as well. She always tries to get me things...such as water...or my shoes...etc. I really don't encourage this because it makes me feel like a male controlling doucebag. But she does it to express her love. However, I still feel like the lack of sexual intimacy between us has caused our marriage to slowly errode. We have started to see a counselor, but during our initial session, the therapist suggested to see us one on one. Now the counselor wants to treat my wife for depression before we can start working on the marriage. I completely agree that my wife needs to be healthy before we can start to work on long term resolutions to our problems. Depression is a very serious illness and needs to be treated effectively. I just don't think our marriage will last until her depression is completely treated. The counselor suggested that she start taking medications to assist her with her depressed state...and estimated that my wife might be off the meds in approximately 9 months and our maEnough is enough...I don't think I can take it anymore...I am drained.?
I am going through what you are going through, except I am a woman being controlled and rejected by my husband. I feel as though I am being emotionally raped, rejected, lonely, abandoned.....all since his mother moved in with us. He did a complete 180 on me. We used to make love 2-3 times a day....no lie. I am lucky if he is emotionally and sexually intimate with me 1 time a week. My husband has a lot of anger issues that have nothing to do with me. But he is taking them out on me.





I can tell you, as a woman, that women are emotional creatures. If your wife is feeling like her emotional needs and feelings are not being met, then she will withdraw from you sexually. The only fix is to become each other's best friend. If you can connect emotionally, spiritually, soulfully, than your sexual connection will be very powerful. My husband used to be my best friend. We connected on every level.....and we shared an awesome sexual life. It seems that now, he is more married to his mother, then to me. It hurts.


Maybe your wife has some unresolved anger issues towards you, or something you don't know about. Maybe she has some post partum depression that has not be realized. A lot of women who hate themselves, will withdraw because they feel unattractive after having a child. A woman needs to feel special to her man.


It seems, from what you wrote, that you are trying very hard. And I can tell you that life is what you make it......And mature marriages are two people who ADD to each other's happiness....not BE each other's happiness. There is a big difference. Maybe your wife is expecting you to make her happy.....that is not your job. And she may resent you for her own failure to be happy. She does love you if she is doing the little things that count, that make your life easier.....but she may need medication and counseling to help her identify what the real problem is before she can overome it.


It is so sad, that husbands and wives do not appreciate each other any more.


I sit in my bedroom most of the time, hiding, hoping, and waiting for my husband to seek me out. I have tried everything....love notes, hugs, smiles, doing too much for him.....but I am losing my self respect by becoming a doormat for a man who obviously has left me for another woman.....his mother. I did not know he would be this way when we married. If I has known, I would never have married him. So, I know what you are going through. I feel your pain and loneliness. God bless you, and I pray that your marriage will be touched by God and healed.Enough is enough...I don't think I can take it anymore...I am drained.?
You are a remarkably astute young man. You have described a very common situation. Depression could easily account for your wife's lack of interest in sex. You are both parents and it is imperative that you work on this and save the marriage. The damage that divorce does to children is irreparable.





You have also been very astute in unresolved arguments. I can help you with that. You can read my article on peacefully resolving conflict. Most people are hard wired to fight but not to peacefully resolve conflict while maintaining respect for all concerned. Your wife also needs to read the article. I promise you that it will help. Seriously, if you would like my help, just drop me a line.





Because you are active duty military and I am ex military, I would help you two for free. You also need to read my article on Coaching versus counseling. You might also like to read my articles on sex as well. All you have to do is to google my professional email address marriagecoach1@yahoo.com and it will show the different articles published on line. Seriously, if you would like my help just drop me a line.
Lack of a libido is one of the major symptoms of depression. Are you sure that you have not over-analyzed your situation? You don't think ';our marriage will last until her depression is completely treated';. That is a selfish statement. You guys got married for better or worse, and you signed on for this, and this is hardly the most difficult thing you will endure together. I mean consider, if a couple spends 60 years together, don't you think it is reasonable to expect that during the course of the marriage there will not be challenges such as this? You need to buck up, be a man, and be the husband and father you need to be. Quit whining about not getting any sex. She needs your support, and you need to get on board.
Wow, I am sorry to hear that. You just stated yourself that depression is a serious illness. For better or worse, sickness or health. If you truly value those vows I think you should give it some time to see if she is willing and capable to work through it. You mentioned the two of you just had a child and that changes the dynamic of a relationship. That baby will be number one priority to her as opposed to things like your sexual needs. It's in her genetic makeup to be that way. Maybe she is overwhelmed with everything and once she gets herself mentally healthy and back to a good place she will be able to spend more time on the other things. You sound like you have been putting forth a very honest effort and you have your head on straight. It seems she is working on finding her way.
They can't predict how long will be on me for depression. some meds work some don't so then they keep trying all kinds of crap on you.


Try being loving to get sex. ask her what you can do to please her. maybe she's sick of your 30 seconds of nothing
Wow! Well you two should go into couples counseling.





You need to appreciate a few things. She seems to do things to make life comfortable or at least convenient for you. And yes the kind and considerate things are a plus.





But when you lack sexual intimacy it erodes the bonding process and that's what's happening here. You don't feel like there's a connection anymore so you withdraw because she's withdrawn. Soon you're on opposite sides of the pole.





There may be some trust and emotional intimacy issues there. So establishing the emotional connections and learning to talk about your sexual desires and needs openly without judgment or condemnation is very important. If she's closing herself off to sex after every effort's been made to try and resolve this, then you have to ask her if its best to open the marriage and let you find someone to enjoy a sexual relationship with. I know that sounds cruel but frankly sex should be mutually enjoyable and she doesn't see it that way.





If that's the big issue, and it seems it is, then you're viewing her as being controlling (withholding sex) and manipulative (expressing love) at the same time. It sends confusing signals and ends up alienating you, which is exactly what happened here.





If your wife is suffering from depression, many anti-depressants do suppress libido, some do not. At least this happens on a temporary basis. The reason why the anti-depressants are being used is to try and lift her out of the depression first and then once she's leveled off, then deal with the marriage.





If you two can focus on the marriage and resolve the past disputes, and just forgive and forget then its possible to fix this.





As far as the very gay cars, well that's life. At least its wheels. You know if you don't have a car anything will do including a bicycle.
I think that you need to break it off with her. She obviously doesn't want to be with you if she doesn't have sex with you. It could be that she's having sex with someone else. Don't go on like this. You deserve to be loved every way every day. Good Luck.
Get rid of that woman, she doesn't deserve you... withholding sex from you? what? is she crazy? find another woman who satisfies all your sexual needs.
Why don't you first start working on the marriage itself and the person in it before going for the ';sexual intimacy'; route excuse...(sorry but it is). Sexual rejection doesn't just start happening there must be other underlying issue that results in such drastic action. Your wife may need encouragement, sincerity, love and acceptance, before she hits the sack with you. Intimacy and sex are completely different things especially in a marriage it's intimacy itself that makes sex possible. Ask yourself what am I doing differently to get this reaction? Am I supporting, romantic, loving enough to get my wife's attention in the bedroom? What is it that is missing?


Obviously you both are still together and want to make things work. And also take into consideration that depression effects all aspects of your life...ALL! So sex right now on her list could be the last thing. She needs to be better and feel better in order for her to do better. First help your wife and understand this is a time for you to really consider the importance of the individual and not just focus on your needs alone. Because without her you have no marriage. I hope your love for her and the vows you promise to commit too her will make you realize there is more to a marriage than sex.